


Through Memories

by thecoquimonster



Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2019-09-01 14:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16767385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoquimonster/pseuds/thecoquimonster
Summary: Will would do anything to save Jem-- including making deals with demons.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Your girl's back with writing TID!!! And this time it's setting up to be multichapter. Good God, let us hope I don't abandon this like I do with literally everything else. I've been sitting on this idea since 2016 and finally. I've written it. The beginning of it, anyway. 
> 
> I don't remember how demon summoning rituals happen in canon and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. Fuck it. 
> 
> And yes, I did shamelessly steal the plot from CoHF. I don't care about anything.

Will banged on the door of Woolsey Scott’s house. His hands no longer stung from his burns, but something in his chest ached. It had woken him from his sleep in the drawing room a couple of hours ago. Will had listened to Cecily’s breathing and thought about Jem and Tessa until he couldn’t stand it. Taking great care not to disturb his sister, he had slipped out of the Institute and into the night.

The first milky streaks of dawn were stretching up into the sky as he reached Woolsey Scott’s residence, but it didn’t matter to Will. He didn’t care much about disturbing Woolsey’s rest. This was urgent. This could not wait. He had so little time to find a cure for Jem. Almost no time at all, really.

Jem needed to live. Or perhaps Will needed Jem to live. He could not stand by and watch his _parabatai_ fade away.

Will knocked on the door again, and it opened to reveal a tired Magnus. He invited himself in, and Magnus stepped aside, muttering about how it had better be important.

“I need you to summon Marbas again,” said Will.

This seemed to wake Magnus instantly. Better than a cup of coffee. He glared down at Will. “What are you planning, Will?”

“I need to speak with him,” was all Will replied with. He swallowed. “Please.”

Magnus studied Will a moment longer. “How is Jem?”

“Worse.”

“Dealing with demons is tricky business,” Magnus warned. “I’m not about to let you throw your life away for Jem’s, understood? I promised I would look into a cure. I’m doing all I can.”

“But I’m not,” Will said. “It’s my life and I can do with it what I please. You know what this means to me.”

“Will.”

He clenched his fists and glowered at Magnus. “If you don’t agree, I’ll pay some other warlock to do it. But I am going to save Jem, Magnus. I would trade my life for his if it comes to it. I will not watch Jem die.”

“I don’t want to do this. I doubt Jem would want you to, either.” Magnus sighed and shook his head. He gestured for Will to follow him to the unused room where they had summoned Marbas before. Magnus stopped at the door to the bedroom and turned to Will. He took a deep breath. “You talk so much of not being able to bear the thought of Jem leaving you. Do you ever think about how unbearable it could be for him?”

Will hesitated at that. It was true. He never thought of it, but it hadn’t mattered much before. He’d always considered his curse just as much a death sentence to himself as it was to others. Why would he care if he died before Jem? But then there was Tessa. His death would matter to Jem, he knew, his stomach twisting. But Will wanted Jem to be able to marry Tessa. Nothing could mean more.

“Jem,” Will said, feeling his voice waver on his _parabatai_ ’s name, “Jem will have Tessa.”

“But not you.”

Will closed his eyes and concentrated on keeping his breathing steady. “He will not have either of us before long.”

“But what about all the things you told me you wanted?”

Will’s eyes opened to see Magnus stepping through the doorway. He trailed after Magnus and watched his friend begin to draw a pentagram on the floor. “I can’t have the things I want for myself, Magnus. None of them would mean anything without him anyway.”

Magnus nodded. He drew the pentagram as though it were painful, with slow reluctant strokes. Will came to stand beside Magnus once he’d finished and listened quietly as he went through the summoning ritual.

“Marbas,” Magnus said, voice loud and clear as a bell, “we summon you.”

The demon took form in the pentagram and Will staggered backwards. Magnus said nothing and would say nothing, he knew. Once again, this was Will’s quest.

_“Who has summoned me?”_ Marbas’s voice rasped like rusted metal. “ _And for what purpose?”_

Will steeled himself and took a cautious step forward, raising his head in defiance. “I have.”

Marbas trained his glowering eyes on him. “Will Herondale. Calling me again so soon? Perhaps I should place that curse on you after all.”

“I’m here to bargain with you,” Will said.

The demon leaned forward, as though this had peaked his interest. “Why is it that Shadowhunters so often seek help of those they wish to eradicate?”

Will ignored the question. “I seek a cure. My _parabatai_ is dependent on yin fen and—”

“Why should this concern me?” Marbas hissed with clear disdain. “He took it of his own accord—”

“He was forced into the addiction at twelve,” Will snarled. “It was a demon’s doing and it will be a demon who undoes it. I am willing to give my life for his health.”

Magnus grabbed Will’s arm. Will turned to him and saw his yellow-green cat eyes glint with warning. But Will didn’t want to be warned. He’d already told Magnus that he would do anything for Jem’s cure and he could think of nothing else to give the demon. A life for a life.

He wrenched his arm free of Magnus’s grasp.

Marbas narrowed his eyes. “Your life means _nothing_. Look how short mortal lives are and see how willing you are to throw yours away. It is useless to me. I do not want it.”

“Anything,” Will tried. “What would you ask of a Shadowhunter in exchange for this?”

Marbas was silent for a moment. When he spoke, his voice was saturated with glee. “When you thought you were cursed. It was very painful for you. To think all who loved you would die. And your _parabatai_ , the one who loves you most of all, truly is dying!”

“Does this have a point, or are you just mocking him?” Magnus cut in.

Marbas turned to look at Magnus and almost purred. “Both.”

“Get on to the point then,” Will growled.

“Your memories,” Marbas said. “I want all of your memories of while you were under my curse. You will wake up and be with your parents, living life as a mundane. You will never have known life as anything else. I want your pain, Herondale.”

Life as a mundane. The way it was before Ella died. He would be with his parents, safe and untouched by demons. And Jem would be healthy, and marry Tessa. It was a tempting offer, but… “My memories? Even the good ones?”

He thought of Jem’s bright laughter, of clasping his hand during their _parabatai_ ceremony. He thought of the night he’d apologized for running off to get high. How Will had clung to Jem’s sleeves as Jem told him that his wall was coming down. How he’d come so close to pressing his lips against Jem’s in that moment.

Will thought of the time he and Tessa had met, how she had nearly knocked him unconscious with a vase. He thought of Tessa’s kiss at Benedict Lightwood’s party. How gentle she had been with him and how tender he’d been in turn.

He recalled her expression twisted with confusion and sadness when he had told her he was in love with her, how she had shaken her head and replied that she was in love with Jem, that Jem was in love with her, that they were to be married. Will remembered going into Jem’s room the same night and seeing the utter joy in his eyes.

These weren’t necessarily good memories. They were mixed up with guilt and fear. But Jem and Tessa had both been bright spots in his life. Now that he was being faced with the decision of giving them up, he wavered.

Sensing his hesitance, the demon let out another screeching laugh. “What gives you pause? You said you would give anything. You offered your life. Perhaps your _parabatai_ does not mean much to you after all.”

“Jem is everything,” Will said immediately. “I would give anything to save his life. I will give you my memories.”

“Will,” Magnus said.

Will turned to Magnus. He wanted to do something special to show his gratitude, but there wasn’t time. There was barely enough time for words. “Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without you. You’re a true friend, Magnus.”

_“_ Close your eyes, Herondale _,_ ” said Marbas.

As Will closed his eyes, he couldn’t help but feel a desperate hope in his chest. A hope that maybe he, Jem, and Tessa could find each other again. In that moment, he wanted nothing more.

He felt Marbas reach into his mind and pick out memory by memory.

Helping support Jem as he coughed up his lungs. Hiding up in his room at the London Institute, hearing his father knock on the door and ask that he come back home. Tessa’s crushed face as he pushed her away, again and again. Every devastating moment after Will and Magnus had summoned a demon that hadn’t been the one to curse him. They were gone the second he tried to think of them.

He and Jem holding snowball fights outside of the London Institute. Tessa reading in a quiet corner of the library. Charlotte muttering as she did paperwork. Henry putting out a fire one of his inventions had caused. Jessamine flipping through the pages of a mundane magazine. Magnus arranging his potions.

The first time he had kissed Tessa.

The _parabatai_ ceremony.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

Will held onto the memory of Jem and Tessa’s smiling faces the longest, until all that was left was emptiness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *walks in 6 months late with Starbucks*
> 
> How about that Shadowhunters series finale, huh? It kicked me to finish this chapter so you should be thankful. 
> 
> Lots of angst up ahead. Sorry.

Jem’s eyes flew open. Something didn’t feel quite right. There was a tightening in his chest unlike any he’d felt before. It wasn’t Tessa, who had been sleeping peacefully, resting her head against his chest. They had fallen asleep together in the music room, Jem blearily remembered as he shifted away from her. They’d agreed to get married tomorrow and fell asleep together.

He sat up and coughed, thinking that might relieve the pain, but his chest only clenched tighter. He closed his eyes and fought to keep his breath as he tried to categorize the pain. It didn’t feel normal. He knew that yin fen withdrawal manifested itself through his aching joints and fatigue. He could feel it now, dull and throbbing. This new pain was distinct—sharp and centralized. His shoulder burned, too.

The _parabatai_ bond, Jem realized. Something must be wrong with Will, but he’d never felt anything like this before. Jem slowly tottered to his feet, using the wall to steady himself.

“Jem?” Tessa murmured, sitting up. She’d been roused by his coughing and now rubbed at her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Will,” he said, more calling out for his _parabatai_ than in answer to Tessa. Even if Will was in the Institute, it was unlikely that he would hear Jem, but Jem needed the comfort of being able to say his best friend’s name.

The fabric of Tessa’s nightgown rustled as she stood to follow him. Jem kept calling out Will’s name softly as he left the music room. It was late, but Will was no longer in the habit of going off on his own in the dead of night.

Jem hoped that Will was still in the Institute, but when he reached out with his bond, he couldn’t feel Will nearby at all. Dread pooled in Jem’s stomach. Something was happening. Will was in trouble. Will was in trouble and there was no way for Jem to reach him in time. 

He stopped in the middle of the hallway. The tie that bonded him to Will stretched tighter. It nearly overcame him, it was so painful. 

“Please,” he said, not knowing what he was pleading for.

“Jem?” Tessa’s voice came soft but tinged with concern. She touched his shoulder where his _parabatai_ rune scorched his skin.

It was almost as though Tessa herself had cut the string, so instantaneously did the cord snap. The tight feeling in his chest released, and Jem fell to his knees. The burning on his shoulder subsided, but his stomach rolled. Jem fought to keep down his dinner.

“Will,” Jem choked out, struggling for breath. He could barely hear his own voice through the ringing in his ears. He ached everywhere.

He reached out, trying to grasp at his bond with Will, but it was gone. How was it gone? It couldn’t be. It was _Will_. 

“Jem?”

He couldn’t recognize the voice. His ears still rang, making the voice take on a tinny, almost mechanical quality.

“Will? Is that you, Will?” Jem asked hopefully, _desperately_ ; but when he looked up, he saw only Tessa standing over him. Guilt rose in his chest as he realized his disappointment in seeing his intended. But Will. _Will_.

Tears pricked at Jem’s eyes, and he let out a sound akin to a whimper.

Tessa offered her hand to help him up and he took it without a word.

“Jem, are you okay? What happened?” Tessa asked as she led him into her room. Jem had never been in her room before, and his eyes locked onto the book set atop her nightstand. Anything to distract himself from the precipice of knowledge that he was being edged toward. Tessa’s face turned grave as she looked at his shoulder. “You’re bleeding.”

Was he? He turned his head to look and saw the shirt he had been sleeping in spattered with blood. While the dread in his stomach crystalized into ice, Jem pulled his collar aside, baring his shoulder. The sight confirmed what he already knew. His _parabatai_ rune had faded to a silvery white. His throat closed.

“Will,” he choked out again.

Tessa bit her lip and turned away. She grabbed a handkerchief and began to wipe his shoulder clean of blood. She didn’t meet his eyes, her face twisted into complete focus at her task. Jem shuddered at Tessa’s touch. He managed to get another glimpse of the silvery white of the _parabatai_ rune and gasped. He leaned into Tessa, shaking with the effort of keeping in his sobs.

She wrapped her arms around him. Jem buried his face into the crook of her neck as he tried to make sense of the world.

Will was dead.

Jem had believed for so long that Will would outlive him. Jem was the one who was sick. Jem was the one who had lived long past the Silent Brothers’ expectations. Will was reckless, but he’d been strong and healthy. He could fight well. It was just logical that Jem would leave Will first.

He had been wrong.

“I don’t know,” Jem fought to say, “what happened. I felt—something. I woke up and I knew something was wrong.”

Tessa shushed him and pulled him in tighter. He could feel her trembling against him. She took in a breath that sounded like a sob and that was enough to break him too. He closed his eyes and felt tears spill down his cheeks.

How could Will be dead? He had been around just hours ago, eyes burning as brightly as the fire he’d stuck his hands into just for the smallest chance of salvaging a bit of the drug. Anything to keep Jem alive just the smallest measure of time longer.

Will had been alive. Exhausted and desperate, yes, but alive.

How could this happen?

How could Jem have let this happen?

He should have stayed with Will. But how could he have expected something like this to happen? He wasn’t even quite sure _what_ had happened. He only knew that Will was gone. 

Gently breaking away from Tessa’s embrace, Jem wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Cecily. We need to talk to her.”

“We can’t wake her and tell her immediately,” said Tessa.

“Then when do we tell her?” Jem asked. “At breakfast, over tea? He’s _dead,_ Tessa. He—he’s gone.”

“Just give yourself some time,” Tessa said. “Let yourself feel first.”

Jem closed his eyes. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. He knew, once he really allowed himself to feel it all, that there would be no coming back. How could he allow himself to feel the full force of the grief and stand inflicting it onto the rest of the Institute? Jem took a deep breath and exhaled as steadily as he could manage. “I have to tell her now, Tessa.”

He went to turn away and felt Tessa’s hand take his, interlocking their fingers.

“Together,” she said, “Together.”

As they left Tessa’s bedroom, they could hear Bridget and Sophie shuffling about. Jem swallowed the painful lump in his throat down. The sun had risen and he knew that the rest of the Institute would soon be awake. He knew that it would be up to him to tell everyone. But for now, his mission was Cecily.

He and Tessa checked her bedroom first, but they found it empty. Jem realized she and Will must have both stayed in the drawing room. There they found her, curled on the floor. His eyes drifted to the seat that Will had been drifting off in. Will wasn’t there. Of course he wasn’t there.

For a moment, Jem felt almost angry with Cecily. How did she let Will go? Why didn’t she wake up? But it wasn’t her fault.

He shook her awake. He just wanted to know one thing before he told her.

“Jem? Tessa?” Cecily blinked her eyes up at him, heavy with sleep. “Did I oversleep again?”

“Cecily, did you wake up in the middle of the night?” Jem asked. “Did you hear anything at all?”

Cecily sat up at his questions and frowned. She rubbed at her eyes. “No, I was tired. Why?” She spared a glance at the seat Will had been sleeping in and turned back to him and Tessa. “Are you looking for Will? I don’t—Jem. There’s blood on your shirt.”

“It’s not about the drug. It’s Will. He—” Jem’s voice failed. He tried again. “I don’t know where Will is. But he—my _parabatai_ rune—Cecily—"

“No,” she whispered. Cecily’s face twisted with agony, a young feminine replica of her brother’s. “You can’t mean— I was right here. He can’t be. He can’t!”

Tessa reached out and stroked Cecily’s shoulder. “This isn’t your fault.”

“Oh, no,” Cecily said. She collapsed against them, shaking. “No, no.” Her words devolved into a string of Welsh, but Jem did not need to understand the words. “What happened? What _happened_?”

“I don’t know,” Jem said, feeling his voice rasp out of his throat. “I don’t know.”

.

Telling the rest of the Institute was not any easier. It was an exhausting morning, filled with tears and difficult discussions of planning the funeral. How it would go if they didn’t have a body. Jem wished he didn’t have to be present. He wanted to wallow in his denial. He wanted to ignore the gaping hole where his bond should be. He wanted to see Will again, even if it meant following him into the darkness.

Jem had always accepted that he was going to die sooner rather than later. He hadn’t ever entertained the idea that Will might die before him. Every breath he took felt forbidden. Every second that he was in the world and Will was not was filled with unfathomable pain. How dare he exist when Will did not?

How dare he think this, when Tessa was still here, holding onto his hand as though for dear life?

And suddenly he was angry. Not with himself. Not with Cecily. But with Will.

Jem would still have Tessa for whatever remained of his life, but what about after? The only reason Jem had decided to marry Tessa so soon was because he’d been sure Will and Tessa would care for one another after he was gone.

Will had left Cecily alone. Will had sentenced Tessa to be alone.

And for what? For _what_?

In a single moment, Jem’s plans had fallen apart. Without even bringing it up with Tessa, he knew that they would not marry tomorrow. Perhaps they would not marry ever. Overcome with all of his grief, Jem could only muster a tiny spark of regret at the thought.

“Jem?” Charlotte cut into his reverie.

Jem lifted his head.

Charlotte frowned as her dark eyes took in his state. “Are you in pain? Do you want a bit of the yin fen?”

“No, Charlotte,” he told her. “I can manage just fine without it.”

Between the ache of loss overtaking his body and the vast emptiness where his bond should be, Jem did not realize exactly how right he was. 


End file.
